Martin and Teresa * have been married for 42 years and have traversed many dangerous waters on their journey through life together. Early on in their marriage, Martin frequently stayed out late and drank too much. Their oldest son began using drugs in high school and failed his sophomore year. Teresa suffered through a bout of Major Depression that lasted nearly a year before she sought help. Although the list of crises, challenges, and human pain is long for them, Martin and Teresa would describe their marriage as successful. Their love and mutual respect has deepened as they have demonstrated the courage to speak the truth in love. A successful marriage isn’t a "happily ever after" story, or an absence of problems, but one that confronts, tackles, addresses, wrestles with, and works through all of what life has to dish out. This is what is real. This is what is worthwhile and meaningful.

A successful voyage requires realistic expectations. Storms will occur, and partners in a successful marriage do not attempt to deny or "stuff" their concerns and feelings. Each is able to hold his or her "sword of truth," or perception, and learns to fight fairly, insisting that the partner does the same. A healthy marriage requires a feeling of safety and relatively equal power during conflict. Both people need to validate each other’s opinions, thoughts, and feelings. This doesn’t mean they must agree with one another, but they must seek to understand the other’s point of view. In a healthy relationship, differences in personality and perception are seen as enriching, and not as evidence that someone’s wrong. Teresa was able to confront Martin about his drinking, and although he resisted and denied, he eventually saw her viewpoint. He changed his behavior partly because he believed she had confronted him out of love, not rejection. For her part, Teresa was able to see how her long silence had enabled his drinking; she realized she had to speak up. Both Martin and Teresa possessed the ability to search within themselves and see their contributions to problems. Neither one got stuck in the "blame game." Both were able to take courageous stands when needed, as they both felt worthy of love and knew they could stand on their own if need be. When anger was expressed, they looked for the primary feelings of fear, sadness, inadequacy and frustration that preceded their anger. They practiced fighting fair.

Navigating those storms is no easy task, but we need not make this journey alone. We move through a vast darkened sea that sweeps us to and fro, hoping to arrive at a peaceful destination on the other side of a narrow passageway. If we "worship" our mate, as most modern love songs do, we are destined to miss the mark. To achieve true intimacy in our earthly relationships, we require the guidance of the one true Wise Navigator. With his example before us, we find the commitment, courage, humility and love it takes to make a relationship successful. Martin and Teresa have God to thank for their love. May we all be so blessed!