Opening the Door to Intimacy

by Dr. Paul Warren

Sally*, a 37-year-old woman, married for 14 years, complained to the marriage counselor, "My husband, Frank, just won’t talk to me anymore. I don’t know what’s going on in his mind. It’s hard for me to trust him."

Later, in the same marital counseling session (and after much prodding by the counselor), Frank shared his feelings of inadequacy and fear regarding a recent event that occurred to him at work. Sally responded by telling Frank that it was "silly to feel that way." Frank, an introverted and feeling man, had taken the risk of opening the door to share his inner world with his spouse. But this venture out of pseudo-intimacy did not appear safe to Frank, who thought that Sally had trivialized his experience. The door slammed shut once again.

There are multiple reasons why couples stay stuck in that shallow level of intimacy referred to as "pseudo-intimacy." Many people grew up in families where conflict was vicious, destructive and non-productive. Such people may view conflict as always to be avoided and even dangerous to a healthy relationship. Nothing could be further from the truth! People who avoid conflict often end up "stuffing" their concerns, issues, and feelings in the hope problems will work themselves out over time. But problems rarely go away on their own, and eventually, a person who has saved everything up to avoid conflict may "garbage dump" on their partner all at one time. With so much on the table and little experience with successful conflict resolution, the likelihood of a positive outcome is very small.

Ann, a 27-year-old homemaker and mother of two young children, is married to Jack, an engineer who drinks too much on weekends. She is concerned about her husband’s drinking and wants him to cut back. Every time she confronts him on this, however, she is assaulted with an intense, angry response that can escalate into rage. Jack defends his right to his "feelings," and doesn’t want to understand that his anger needs to be modulated or toned down. Jack uses his anger/rage to control his wife and keep her in pseudo-intimacy. Ann’s sword of truth seems to melt in response to Jack’s fire, and she learns quickly to withhold her concerns and carefully rehearse much of what she says to him.

To move into the deeper waters of intimacy and out of pseudo-intimacy, we must feel safe. We must believe that we have the right to our own thoughts, feelings, and needs, and that we have a partner who is receptive and willing to listen, who considers our opinions as having equal authority and validity to his or her own. When one person in a relationship becomes the holder of the absolute truth, the other will have difficulty communicating freely.

Pridefulness, stubbornness, and close-mindedness shut the door to intimacy. We must consider the power of our opinions in relationship to others and strive to keep an open mind. We must express our thoughts and feelings, but without the use of intense anger. We must learn to listen with openness.

* All names have been changed to protect confidentiality.