Thoughts about Love

by Dr. Paul Warren

In these middle years of my life, I have found my purpose: to truly understand what it means to love one another. My definition of love has changed over the years. My way of expressing love has changed. 

I was raised by a nurturing, overprotective mother who demonstrated love by taking care of and worrying about her children. She loved too much, as   codependents tend to do. She enabled my alcoholic father to function marginally, and he extended his adolescence throughout his adult life. She enabled her three sons (myself included) to develop a blueprint of family life that did not reflect a team spirit, a "Let's all work together" attitude. 

Children learn by modeling, and I learned my mother's style of love. As I look back over my life, I see that I have loved too much as an adult man in that same codependent way. I worked too hard to maintain peace. I  worked too hard to "keep the ship afloat," as if the family's functioning were my responsibility alone.  As a result, I frequently felt resentful, tired, broke and depressed. And I wondered why the people around me blamed me for the failures. After all, couldn't they see it was their spoiled, irresponsible behaviors that caused the problems in the first place? I did not understand back then my contributions to the problems. Then my denial fell, and I began to see that I was participating in this dance.

I thank God for the journey I am on. I am learning what love really is. God is Love--and real love is God. God is not codependent in his love. He allows us the freedom to make all our choices. God allows us to be foolish children who frequently make unwise decisions. We fall. We hurt. We despair. God is there to listen, and just like a wise "consultant parent," as Cline and Fay teach in their Love and Logic program, God offers us another chance every time we fail, another opportunity to learn from our mistakes and get it right next time. God leaves it up to us to solve or not solve the problem. We may pray to be rescued, but God seldom answers our prayers in that way, preferring to send us opportunities and people who may help us help ourselves.  

God is intent on our growth, because real love always promotes real growth.  When we offer real love--compassionate, non-controlling love--to those we love, they grow. They have the opportunity to become more caring and responsible people. They are empowered to grow.

I am still learning how to let go of my rescuing and over accommodating ways. It's not easy. But, nothing worthwhile is easy. My purpose in this life is to learn to love, truly love,  before I die. May God bless you on your journey as well this Valentine's Day!

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