by Dr. Paul Warren

Dr. Scott Peck, in his 1989 book, "The Different Drum", describes four stages in which groups go through on the way to developing "true community." These developmental stages can be applied to marital relationships, friendships or the work setting. I have found them also to be a useful way of assessing the level of closeness or intimacy in relationships. How healthy are your current relationships?

The first stage is referred to as "pseudo-intimacy". This stage is characterized by the "stuffing" of feelings and thoughts. The belief that "everything is fine", or "if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it." Some people just don’t want to "rock the boat." However, people are very different and relationships are challenging. We each bring to our relationships different family histories and traditions, differing beliefs and needs, and very different personalities. Issues, concerns, frustrations will happen, and eventually we may proceed into the second stage, referred to as "conflict."

In conflict, the problems that may have been suppressed or "stuffed" come out into the open--sometimes with a "bang." Many people do not handle conflict well (or choose not to deal with it) and, after blowing up, return to the previous level of pseudo-intimacy. These relationships find that they "keep fighting about the same problems and nothing gets resolved." Good conflict resolution is not easy (an understatement for sure). It requires good communication skills, "fair fighting" and the third stage--emptying.

In "emptying", the person is willing to put down the "sword and shield" and is less defensive and/or aggressive. The person begins to examine his/her own contributions to the problem, and is willing to be vulnerable. As the apostle Paul writes, "For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2Cor.12:10). The person who empties, admits that he could be wrong, and seeks the grain of truth in what the other has to say. It is through this process of "emptying" that we can create a bridge to understanding. We can achieve moments of the fourth stage-- "true intimacy." We become more open, honest, working toward consensus, and not afraid of disagreement or conflict. We communicate assertively, which is speaking the truth in love. We approach knowledge of each other’s "true hearts."

In this series of articles, we explore in depth each of these stages. Learn what keeps you "stuck" and what you can do to enjoy healthier relationships. As we learn to enhance the quality of our relationships, we are sometimes able to catch a glimpse of the Kingdom--a life of true Christian Community. Strong relationships are a major step on the road to recovery and personal empowerment.