"Build a network of at least four people who are supportive to your recovery, people you can call on when you need encouragement."

Take a moment to think about the people in your life. Now think about the phrase "supportive to your recovery." When someone is supportive, they promote your cause; they hold you up in the hard times. They listen. They try to understand.

We may have people in our lives who love us very much but are not very supportive to our efforts to change. Perhaps they don't know how to be. They believe their way is the right way, and they tell you what to do. Such people attempt to control you for your own good. They imply by their criticism or negative tone that you cannot think and choose for yourself. These people are trying to "fix" what they believe are your poor choices in actions.

Other people in your life may be less critical, but they try to "fix" your sad or uncertain feelings. They may want you to "get over it," "move on." They may suggest you do the very thing you have decided not to do--just this once--minimizing the harm this behavior causes you. Such friends and family are called enablers, because they enable you to continue in behaviors you want to leave behind. They do this because they cannot bear to see you unhappy.

Often the people in our lives are blind to their own issues. Their behavior--whether critical or enabling--is their effort to control you, and they may not even see it because they think they are helping. Perhaps over the years, you have been somewhat dependent on them, and they are simply acting on their part in your old patterns.

On some level, they realize that if you change, your relationship with them will change. Their behavior may be motivated by fear of what this will mean for them.

Perhaps you can speak with those you love who fall into these two groups and tell them what you need: people to offer encouragement, hope; to listen; to try to understand without trying to do anything to "fix" the situation. The friends and family you love may be able to do this, or they may not. If they cannot, right now, for whatever reason, or if there are not at least four of them who can do so, you will need to seek some new relationships to support your recovery.

You need at least four people in your recovery network. Having four increases the likelihood that someone will be available when you need support. Also, you will be more likely to reach out if you do not worry that you call calling the same person too much. If one of them is busy, or tired, or going through stress of his or her own, you can call on another without feeling rejected.

We'll work on how to use this network later. For now, build your network: four people in your world who are supportive of your intention to change.

"Attend Twelve-Step meetings or a small group experience at your church."

This very important step in recovery is, for many people, one of the most difficult. It is not easy to walk through a door into a room of strangers.

We live in a culture that encourages us to maintain an image of self-sufficiency. We are taught in our families not to talk about problems, especially not to anyone outside. When we have problems, we experience shame in not being able to solve them alone.

The cost of this cultural attitude is isolation and loneliness. We humans are social beings, and we need each other, whether we like it or not.

Because so many of our own issues--such as shyness, or shame, or pride--can make joining a new group so difficult, our brains will often find reasons not to return, even if we do find the courage to go a first time. "The people aren't like me . . . What's the point? . . . I don't need this . . . I'm too busy"--there are a million reasons not to go. But science is showing that attending a small group increases the odds of successfully recovery. And this is particularly true for those who are struggling with addictive behaviors.

Once you choose a group, commit to attend six times before you decide it's not for you. Attending six times allows you to see what really happens there and gives you a chance to become more comfortable. You open yourself to finding out what might be possible here. You demonstrate discipline and commitment to your intention to change.

Don't underestimate the importance of simply showing up!

A wise person once said that if you show up anywhere four times, someone there will be sure to notice you're missing the first time you don't. 

All you have to do is show up. Simple as that. You don't have to say a word while you're there. You can listen and observe.

And what do you do next? Show up, again. On time. Six times.

Then you can decide if this is the group for you. And if it isn't, you can find another group.

So, beginning today, look around. Find a group.