Finding a Soul Friend

My client had been talking about her desire for change in her disorganized, stress-filled life. I asked her what it would take to bring about that change.

"To put God first," she said quickly. And what would that mean? What concrete action would that take? After a moment, she said, "Do a daily devotional, like my dad taught us when we were kids." She paused. "I know why I don’t. If I did that, I know I would really have to change then—change my lifestyle." She looked at me sheepishly, and we both laughed. She knew I'd be asking her about her progress on this wonderful goal when we next met.  

Change is not easy. It takes not only courage, but support, and the accountability only another human being can offer us. In Alcoholics Anonymous, this is the function of a sponsor. In Celtic spiritual practice, such a person is called a "soul friend."

Tessa Bielecki, the Carmelite monk and abbess who has written so well on the prayer of St. Teresa of Avila, explains in her lecture Passion for God: "We all need to be accountable, and a good soul friend keeps us honest and accountable. We all need good counsel . . . Anyone guided merely by his own light follows the guidance of a fool. We all need someone else to help us along the way . . . to tell us the truth, to challenge us and confront us, and even to shatter us." Through this accountability, we learn who we truly are and open ourselves to be healed.

There are people all around us every day who can help us see ourselves more realistically than we could ever do alone. Tessa reminds us "to be open to our family, friends, and our coworkers as instruments of our deepening self knowledge, because the people around us are not part of our lives by accident." She cites the teaching of St. John of the Cross, who said we are like unfinished statutes, and the people in our lives are craftsmen put here by God to "chisel us" into our true, perfected form.

Think how you are "chiseled" every day by the people in your life. They do it by:

• their words--"telling you what you would rather not hear"
• their deeds—"doing against you what you would rather not endure"
• their temperament—"being in their person and actions a bother and annoyance to you"
• their thoughts—"neither esteeming or feeling love for you"

And what do we do with this discomfort? How do we put it to use toward our growth? How do we begin to decide what it means? As Tessa says, "It’s easy for us to find these chiselers in our lives, but it is not always easy to find a good, official soul friend."

How do you find a soul friend? The first step is simply deciding that you desire such a relationship. Begin thinking about what it would mean in your life to have someone to talk with on a regular basis about your spiritual goals, someone who will accept you and yet hold you accountable. (See Walking with Another: Spiritual Directors, Mentors, Sponsors, and Guides for more.) Talk to God about your need, and ask that your eyes be opened to recognize the opportunity for soul friendship when it presents. Prepare yourself by consciously making a spiritual practice part of your life now. This can be as simple as doing a daily devotional in some way that speaks to you.

Then put yourself in places where you can be found: in groups of others who are also interested in spirituality and growth; at retreats sponsored by reputable religious organizations, such as the Walk to Emmaus; even at the library where support and affirmation can be found in books and audiotapes. Talk to the people in your life whose spiritual life you admire about your interest in soul friendship.

You can trust that your prayer for a soul friend will be answered—probably not in the way you expected—but in exactly the way that is right for you.

Thank you for making Courage2Change a part of your life!