Scott Peck, M.D.,  begins his best selling book The Road Less Traveled by stating: "Life is difficult." Once we fully see and accept this truth, life becomes more understandable and in some ways, less difficult as we adjust our expectations. Some further basic truths from grandma’s book of common sense:

Because we are so different, we need to know that conflict is not only inevitable but a necessary and vital aspect of a healthy relationship. Couples frequently come to marital counseling believing that their fighting in a problem in their marriage. They need to learn that the problem is NOT that they fight, but HOW they fight. A worthy goal in any relationship is to become skillful at the art of conflict resolution.

Moving out of pseudointimacy into the second stage of "Chaos/Conflict" requires some basic "ground rules" and pre-conditions. First, both members need to perceive themselves as being relatively equally empowered. John *, a 27-year-old police officer, values his strong preference for logic and concrete facts. His spouse, Katherine, is a feeling-type person who values who sense of intuition. Hard data is not her gift. Consequently, when they are in conflict, John will frequently disarm his wife by referring to her as "irrational, too sensitive, and ditzy." Katherine is then in a "one-down" position and healthy conflict resolution is not likely to take place. Both partners need to consider each other’s thoughts, feelings, opinions, needs, etc., as having equal weight, equal validity. Otherwise, one person’s "sword of truth" will quickly disarm the other.

With equal power existing, the second consideration in conflict resolution is knowing and practicing the rules of fair fighting. We needed a Geneva Convention for warfare—we also need rules for fighting. Basic rules of fair fighting emphasize "staying in the here-and-now." In other words, this means identifying the specific issue, sticking to it, and not bringing up history. We also emphasize mutual respect. We remember who we are fighting with and don’t use slanderous labels. We don’t hit "below the belt" by bringing up unrelated sensitive subjects; at the same time, we also work on being open to constructive criticism. WE seek "win-win" solutions to conflict instead of stubborn, prideful "win-lose" solutions.

As we become more skillful at conflict, we can find satisfaction in a job well done. We reduce our feelings of resentment, inadequacy, frustration, etc., that can trouble us in an unequally yoked relationship. We can share our hearts and thoughts with a partner that we can truly call a "soul mate." As we move through conflict, we learn to "empty" to one another. This process of "emptying" becomes a bridge to true intimacy and will be discussed in the next article.